I had the best visit with good friends Charlotte and Sara yesterday! We always have a great time. We break bread together, have an adult beverage or two, but mainly sit and visit and laugh.
And it got me to thinking that’s my favorite way of showing (and receiving) love—to share of ourselves. To be full present with one another.
And, mainly, to listen. We take the time to hear what the other is saying, to think about it, to ask questions about whatever is occurring in one another’s lives at the time.
We got to laughing about the differences in the ways men and women communicate as well. Isn’t it always funny when a man talks to someone, and you ask basic questions about the person and the man looks baffled? I mean, the really basic stuff, like how’s his wife? Etc.
When you question said man as to why he didn’t ask said things, he’ll often reply, “I didn’t want to be nosey.” !!
There really is a difference in being nosy, and asking questions because you care . . .
Most people are desperate for someone to actually listen to them. As humans, we want to be heard. We all have a deep need to communicate, and to feel that another person has actually taken the time to listen to and hear our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
As Stephen Covey said in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood. . . . To feel understood is the deepest psychological need. . . . Understanding comes through listening. . . . Most people listen with the intent to respond instead of listening with the intent to understand.”
I often get tickled when out somewhere, as I was this morning at Starbucks treating myself to a latte on account of we had to go to the vet (another story entirely!), and while waiting I eavesdrop on a conversation or two. The one this morning, between two women, went like this:
“I had the worst time yesterday! My husband watched football all day and wouldn’t even talk to me,” said the red-head.
“You think you have it bad, my mother-in-law called to announce exactly what I was to bring to the holiday dinner, no exceptions!” the blonde said.
“And my dog had the runs,” the red-head added.
“I have to go to the stupid doctor tomorrow,” huffed the blonde.
Now, okay, I’m there for five minutes or so, and their conversation continues in this manner. Did either of them pay the slightest attention to the other’s woes?
Nada. I swear I think one of them could have said she had Ebola and the other would have talked about her new shoes.
And sadly, this is much more common than the converse! No wonder everyone is desperate to be heard—no one listens.
Listening truly is active. It’s rephrasing what the other person said so you be sure you understood. It’s asking questions for clarification. It’s commiserating (if you’re a woman. If this takes place with a man, he says something to “fix” whatever, even when that wasn’t a woman’s point at all! But that’s really another story!).
And that’s why Charlotte and Sara and I have such a good time when we visit—we listen and care about what’s going on with each other.
Listening truly is one of the ways to show your love.
As Charles Dickens said, “To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.”
How do you listen?
